Fear

Darkness has spared a keyhole, a jagged circle of light.
The peeping light touches the wood around the hole.
The darkness carves dusty wooden grooves around the keyhole.
The light is blocked. An eye appears.
Light struggles to enter the keyhole from around the eye.
A brown circle, black dilated pupil within, jelly white surrounding - moist and alert.
The eyelids blink: long, rich black, feathery lashes cross each other and return.
The black ball floating in the white sea squeezes itself quickly into the left end of the eye.
An orangish red appears at the right bottom and disappears.
Sight floats back to the right end and returns.
Blink. Stare. Hear the darkness. When will it strike?

Believe It or Not!

I woke up groggily one morning to find myself in a dark, damp hole! “This is definitely not the place where I had slept last night. I didn’t drink too much. I’m not dreaming,” I thought as I pinched myself several times. The place had an awful stench of soggy, rotten vegetables. After a while, I could also discern a fertilizer-like smell. “Was I kidnapped last night and dumped in this weird factory?”

I shook my head in disbelief as I looked behind. There was no bed – I had slept on the ground! I felt nauseated seeing the place around. The ground also looked soggy like the walls. Now, when I looked more carefully, I saw that the room was spherical in shape. Not exactly spherical but it had no sharp edges anywhere – just curves all around with several flap like structures on the sides. Dull light was streaming in from one corner of the room. It was intermittent and there had been several short periods of startling darkness. I could hear faint gurgling sounds like the working of some distant, gigantic machine. I was bewildered and petrified. I was rudely disturbed by a large ball that was slowly rumbling down the window.
“Was I Alice in Wonderland? Was I dead and in hell?”

Confused, scared and hopelessly out of my wits, I saw the ball coming dangerously close. Without knowing where to, I decided to run. I got my second and bigger shock when I ‘saw’ that I had no body!! Mad with confusion, I wanted to kick the wall – but, obviously, I couldn’t! I calmed myself and decided to think about this bizarre situation. In the meanwhile, the giant ball had broken into bits and surrounded me. It was a gooey whitish substance and was sticking and rolling about the wall. I had no body and yet I could ‘see’, ‘hear’, and ‘feel’ that place. I was happy that whatever ghoulish contraption I was in, at least, it wouldn’t hurt my body! I realized that although I could see all around, I couldn’t move.

Then, I heard voices. It was my wife calling out my name.
“Was she also in the same predicament? In another torture chamber like this?”
And then, I heard my voice! I couldn’t be mistaken. I was talking to my wife. I heard myself crunching some chips. Just then, I saw another soggy shape descend through the window. I thought I saw the ridges of potato chips in it. I thought I was hallucinating. An outlandish idea struck me then – “Am I in my stomach? How is that possible? Well, nothing sane had happened since waking up! But, if I am in my stomach, then who is outside? What about my normal consciousness?” My wife had not sounded perturbed while talking to me. I had even heard her kissing me goodbye to office!

I had developed a parallel consciousness of my stomach. Very interesting! But, I didn’t want to continue experiencing the noisome acid filled environment with a window that emitted semi-digested balls. I spent what felt like an interminable stretch of time in my stomach. And, suddenly, I ceased to exist. I switched back to normal consciousness. I was simultaneously relieved, amused, astounded and scared. However, life went on as usual after that, and nobody felt anything amiss.

I remember the life in my stomach just as I knew who I was while I was in there. After that day, there have been a number of days when I have woken up in my stomach. Its familiar territory now – those flapped peristaltic walls! Now, I am convinced that I have two parallel lines of consciousness and I can experience only one of them at a time. I switch involuntarily from one to another. Of course, there are many puzzling, unanswered questions – what happens to the other one while I am experiencing one? How could I experience all that without a body? Are there other levels or types of consciousness? And most confounding of them all, who am I?

Anne's diary: 27th December - last night

It was a cold night and I was cozily tucked into my boyfriend's arms. He was half-asleep and was mumbling intermittently. I was staring at the white ceiling trying to find dark spots in the seemingly spotless white.

“You are the quiet types, aren’t you?” he whispered drowsily.
“Hmm,” I said.
“You hardly speak, honey. Sometimes your silence is scary!”
“I’m scared of words.”
The words hit his impenetrable sleep and spiraled upwards carrying my thoughts.

I saw my Dad’s hand emerging from the bathroom and asking my Mom for a towel.
“Get ready soon, Daddy, I’ll be late for school,” I yelled with a mouth full of oranges.
“Chew your food properly, Anne, and don’t talk with food in your mouth,” ordered my Mom. She came to the table and meticulously packed my lunch box. I chewed the oranges opening my mouth, now and then, displaying my efforts to my Mom.
“Anne, don’t do that. How many times do I have to tell you that?”
“Sorry, Mamma.”

I ran into Daddy’s room and saw him sitting silently on the bed, facing the wall. He was still in his towel. I heard a strange humming sound. I got scared. I had never seen Daddy sit so silently before. I ran back to my Mom and cried, “Mamma...”
“What happened dear?”
“Daddy…”
“He’s getting ready, isn’t he?”
“He’s not moving…”
“What?” a look of concern flashed on her face and we both ran into the bedroom.
Daddy was there - immobile.

We crossed the bed and saw him. His face was peaceful, almost numb. He was still. Dead calm. But his lips were quivering and he was softly muttering something incoherent. My mom yelled and shook him. But his body was lifeless. His mouth didn’t stop. It was muttering non-stop – “car happy talk office book is was am I a the rat year father anne mother room parrot sand water pavement rain help man stomach dates palm copy sheets snow train battery pencil gas…”

I was petrified. Both my Mom and I were crying.
An ambulance came and took him to the hospital.
A few hours later I saw him in the hospital, unconscious but his mouth moving slowly. When he regained consciousness, there was an incessant stream of words from his mouth.
I never saw him again after that day.

“You are sweating,” said my boyfriend as he hugged me again, “Oh baby, must have had a bad dream. Sleep tight dear.”

Ear itch

My right ear had been itching inside for a long time. The itch would aggravate in certain positions. For example, when lying on my right side with the ear pressed against the pillow. At times, there was pain in the region below the ear. A course of antibiotics ruled out an infection - the feelings persisted. Physical inspection also dismissed wax collection. I could feel movement within the ear. Like a sharp pricking pain moving along the interiors of the ear - millimeter by millimeter.

A few days back I was lying on the bed with a mirror in my hand early in the morning. I noticed a black spot in motion in the cusps of my right ear. I turned to look at the pillow and found a clear white pillow-cover. Despite some gymnastics with the hand mirror & the mirror on the wall, I couldn't look inside my ear! But then I realized that there was an animal living inside, most probably, an ant. An ant that had liked the warm coziness of my ear. Perhaps, it had also acquired a taste for ear wax.

Days passed.

I have now got used to living with the ant in my ear. It regularly crawls out for fresh air. But returns promptly on seeing any approaching threat including my fingers. It doesn't recognize my human body: it just knows the ear canal - its home; and the ear wax - its food.

We have a language of movement and touch with which we communicate. There are certain head positions that my ant dislikes. During the day, when my head is almost always straight, my ant doesn't move much. I think it sleeps. At nights, particularly when I just lie down, I wake it up with many jolts due to my changing postures. Earlier, due to these jolts, it would run helter-skelter making my ear itch for a long time. Then, slowly, it got used to the daily earthquakes and I, for my part, always moved my head delicately, with care.

My ant feels better now. From its position inside my ear I know when it is sleeping, eating or playing my ear drums!